Shouting at God Again
One of the themes in my life is honesty with God. I believe that is a key to working with Him, even when you are working against Him and you don't know it. God expects honesty and resists dishonesty and hypocrisy. If you are angry with God, He knows it, so don't pretend you are not.
This where I found myself again, once I had realized I had lost everything. I left the church and my faith. I let God know in no uncertain terms I said "I know Jesus and the Holy Spirit are real," (I had felt and experienced the emptiness of my youth leave) "but I don't know if the Bible was true. I believed it with all my heart and I lost everything, I was not blessed. "Until you show me what I did wrong, I will not serve you. I will carry on as though I am not your child." This honest prayer God answered, in a way I could never imagine. A friend recently challenged me on this and said, why did you yell at God when it was all your fault? I honestly did not know that what I was doing was wrong, I thought I was serving God, so these were honest questions I had for the great architect of all things.
After attempting to walk the walk of an unbeliever again, partying, sleeping around, and just living for the moment (which I did not actually enjoy*,) I had another freight train experience. This time it was not with sudden circumstances, but with a Holy God. One who I really did not know well. Leading up to this earth-shattering experience I had begun to be more open to God, ever so cautiously. I began to watch Dr. D. James Kennedy on TV (he felt safe, he wore a robe and wasn't a Pentecostal.) I began to take my children to church, though I would barely attend myself.
Just prior to this experience I started listening to the late Walter Martin. Dr. Martin was the first person I had ever heard speak out against what he called the "word-faith" movement. He named the preachers that I had followed as false teachers! Even at this point in my life I thought that God was going to kill Walter Martin for speaking out against "God's Anointed!" However, the things he said I could not refute. His knowledge of scripture was something I had never seen before. To this point all the "word-faith" preachers I had heard mocked seminary and religion and only lifted up their brand of selfish, anti-intellectual, rebellious brand of Christianity.
An Experience of Biblical Proportions
Easter Sunday, 1989 I woke suddenly from a sound sleep at about 2:00 am. As I stared at the ceiling I was overwhelmed with the feeling I was not alone. At once I recognized it as the presence of God though this was to a degree I had never experienced. A fear came over me and I slid off my bed and lay face down on the floor shaking. I heard the voice I had known as a child speak to my heart. "Do not be afraid. I love you, I am your Father and I have called you." For the next two hours or more I just listened as God spoke to me. Damage that I thought would take years of counseling to heal was gone in one morning.
Now I say "speak to me" but it was more like and instant realization that the way I had been thinking about God and myself was all wrong. This was more than just a voice. It was as though a loving father was giving me a spanking and straightening me out. I saw all my selfishness and pride.
I saw myself through my ex-wife's eyes too and I was disgusted. I saw how I had twisted God's word into a self-centered abomination and I understood what I had done wrong, which is what I asked Him to do when I was yelling at Him. He reaffirmed in me that He had called me and set me apart to do His work.
Up until this point I also thought you could lose your salvation. However following this experience I changed my mind. Philippians 1 6being confident of this, that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. It wasn't up to me. He saved me and it is He that would cause me to overcome. He would follow me, even into sin because in His eyes I was clean, though He sure convicted me of my sin and I repented more completely than I had ever known possible.
I learned that God convicts believers of sin not because they are going to hell for it but because they are living as though they are not believers, it grieves Him and it makes believers ineffective.
That morning believe it or not was Easter Sunday. Before church I tried to explain to a girl I had dated a couple of times what had happened to me between tears and I could see she did not understand. I never saw her again after that day.
During church I sobbed like a baby. After church I ran to the prayer room. My younger brother was there and I tried to explain to him what was happening. I cried for joy as God's presence was once again my life, my hope and my joy.
Since that strange miraculous day, I have not looked back, I have followed Him as best I could in ways I would not have imagined, through trials I am glad I did not see beforehand and through Joys I never thought I would have again. I will never again doubt that He loves me, that He would never leave me nor will I doubt that His Word is true.
I began to read the Word again through new clean eyes. It took a good 3 years or so before all the false doctrine was completely removed from my thinking. It had so much became a part of me that it was automatic. The Lord has restored all that the enemy and my flesh had destroyed and more.
I remained single for three years. For a while I hunted for a new Christian wife. However once the Lord had completely healed my hurts and taken away my loneliness I became OK with whatever He wanted! This was truly a miracle. I prayed to Him "Lord if you want me to be single for the rest of my life, that is fine, I want your will, but if I can be married, I'd prefer it. It's up to You Lord, whatever you want for me."
A few short weeks later while having lunch at a friends, his wife asked me if I wanted to get married again. I told her I wanted God's will basically stating what I said in the paragraph above.. She said, "funny thing, I asked a girl at church yesterday the same thing and she answered exactly word for word what you did, do you want her phone number?" Within a few short months we were engaged. That was 15 years ago. So much has happened between now and then, I should write more and hope to soon.
Ephesians 3
19 and to know the love of Christ which surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled up to all the fullness of God.
20 Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly beyond all that we ask or think, according to the power that works within us,
21 to Him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus to all generations forever and ever. Amen.
*One of the things God's Spirit does is take away the pleasure of sin, when He is leading you to Him. Sin is only pleasurable for a short time for anyone, but for believers it is less than that and it sears your conscience.
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