I am writing this mostly because I like to get my thoughts out, it is therapeutic for me. The video below prompted my spilling my guts here today. I could use some prayer..it is a little selfish but I am feeling very tentative, not confident about my life or about the voice of God. .....
The power of faith, of acknowledging God's goodness and power in song, poetry and lifestyle (worship) cannot be overstated. It changed my life many years ago and has only intensified rather than died down over the years. I was powerfully impacted by contemporary Christian worship as a new Christian. I lately forget this.
Life is as busy as ever working full time to provide for my family, part time to do my duty as a Reservist for my country, being a husband, raising 2 boys, trying to keep physically fit plus train a hard headed dominant dog who currently resides at my house.
I have always wanted to be a musician, to have time to write, to have a studio to create and to play music with a bunch of committed people. I have no desire to travel or tour or be famous or be seen, but to create and to bless, to grow and to use the talents HE gave me.
I wrote my first song at 12 years old. Sat down at the piano, wrote the music and lyrics on staff paper, pouring out my heart about a sadness I was feeling at the time because my parents were divorcing and I was moving out of state. Writing is a gift I know. When the song comes it's like it comes from God. Likewise playing in a group with a bunch of talented, committed people is a slice of heaven to me.
Just a few short months ago I was feeling the indescribable joy of having a lead part in playing with some great musicians blessing people in a large congregation. I had always wanted to be a part of something like that but had only been a part of much smaller churches. Playing for a large group has a whole different dynamic, so many things happening out there...it is awesome.
But all that has recently changed. I was told I did not make the team on my instrument and I am extremely discouraged about music in me these days. Part of this is, I am not a young man, so I feel as though my time is running out for some things. I feel that I may never get to really play or create until after I go to be with the Lord. He has allowed me to realize so many things, I feel selfish wanting this too...but it is there nevertheless.
When I was 19 all I wanted to be was a song writer and musician, but had to quit college give up the study of music because I was blessed with a child (which was a big surprise at the time).
I was fine with that. God was directing me in a new way. I put music on the altar stopped altogether for several years.
So I quit music school, went to work. About 2 years in a man gave me a 12 string guitar and said God told him to give it to me. I didn't' even play! But I learned and 6 months later was leading worship for Bible Studies and small churches.
I have a good voice, but my guitar and piano skills are only OK, they could be better if I put in the time but I didn't have time..I have successfully raised 4 children and still have 2 left at home, but they too are going to be all grown up soon.
For about 5 years I led worship playing the guitar, piano and sometimes drums at a church of about 75 people. We were pretty good , the other musicians had been professionals, they were better than me, but I was the leader. We were even recording some of our originals in the studio. But the church never grew (some in leadership wanted to stay small so would not make any hard or uncomfortable decisions) and my pastor moved on and so did I.
After the break up of my church, my family joined a much larger church in my area. I knew I wanted to play again but I also knew I could not be mediocre because the musicians at the church had set a pretty high standard...so I chose one instrument- drums (my fave) and began to study. Keep in mind I am not starting from scratch....I had played before, even recorded in studio on the drums.
I was so excited about possibly getting the chance to be a drummer at my church. I bought a nice drum kit. I was practicing every day, taking lessons, but the worship leader just would not even give me the chance to try out.
Why did I not just go to another church? First of all my playing drums is not why my family goes to this church. And because I am Mr. Responsibility....always have been since my first child was born at 19. I had committed to the church, become a member and I did not want to drag my family to other churches just to fulfill MY dream of playing. Besides my wife and kids love the spirit of this church and so do I.
I stayed committed, played percussion instruments (shaker, congas etc) kept practicing and waited. "rudy..rudy....rudy"...
Then our leadership changed and I knew that I knew it was finally my chance. Friends on the team encouraged me because they knew I was the "Rudy" of the group.
Sure enough within a matter of weeks I was asked to play the kit and I did well. It could have been a little better, there were a couple of rough spots but not so that anyone but the musicians would notice. I knew with some more experience I'd get better and they were FINALLY letting me do that.
note** I was playing not with the new leader but with the intern leader and I underestimated how that would play a role in his decision.
Again and again over a 2 to 3 month period I played the kit at my church but never with the new leader, I did well (not one person ever said anything different about it.) One month I played nearly every Saturday and Sunday.
If anyone thought I was not doing well they didn't have the guts to say anything. But the dream was finally being realized, it was fun and it was fulfilling I was becoming increasingly committed to the team and growing in confidence.
Then we got some strange news; EVERYONE had to do an audition. I wrongly assumed I was already good to go and that this was a formality for us already on the team. I did OK in my audition but it could have been better, I was really nervous and was given some bad instructions about what I should play. The leader told me to play my favorite song...I should have used my better judgement and picked something that highlighted my skill, not my favorite song but I trusted his instruction as what he NEEDED to see. Turns out he didn't want to see me worship to my favorite praise song but to see me keep perfect time and show explosive skill.
I now believe it actually would not have mattered, I don't know for sure, perhaps I am wrong but I think he had already made up his mind and wanted me to play backup percussion and NOT the drums.
To say I was devastated is actually an understatement. When I learned I had not made the team I came close to putting my drums on Craigslist and just quitting...I had been battling to make that team for so long and now I had my definitive answer...that answer was NO, sure we will let you play in the background on an instrument that no one hears much anyway (shaker, congas) but no way are we putting you out front to embarrass us. ...again the little voices are screaming this in my head.
I have gone from being confident in my abilities to being tentative all over again. It's hard for me to explain but the 3.5 years I spent trying to make the team and not getting a chance was a lot of time, effort, time away from my family, annoying to my neighbors and physically draining...all for what? I don't know. Did I actually hear God in this? I don't know. I have always been confident about God's voice, now just like my abilities on the drums, I am tentative.
Worse than that I am extremely frustrated that perhaps they did not tell me the truth and I sucked. ...but I know that isn't true. There are other avenues to play in but this was it for me. I don't have time in my life to join a band, play in bars and I DON"T want to go to another church. I've done that...my family hates it.
I am practicing again but I put it away for over a month. I was asked to play percussion several times over the last two months but turned them down a lot, I don't have much heart for it now. I did the ups and downs for so long with the previous worship leader I don't have the energy to be Rudy Rudiger all over again...I just don't.
Sorry for rambling...I just in a funk......which is kinda funny since Funk is my favorite music to play on the drums, but I digress.
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Emergency Numbers
When...
You are sad, phone John 14
You have sinned, phone Psalm 51
You are facing danger, phone Psalm 91
People have failed you, phone Psalm 27
It feels as though God is far from you, phone Psalm 139
Your faith needs stimulation, phone Hebrews 11
You are alone and scared, phone Psalm 23
You are worried, phone Matthew 8:19-34
You are hurt and critical, phone 1 Corinthians 13
You wonder about Christianity, phone 2 Corinthians 5:15-18
You feel like an outcast, phone Romans 8:31-39
You are seeking peace, phone Matthew 11:25-30
It feels as if the world is b igger than God, phone Psalm 90
You need Christ like insurance, phone Romans 8:1-30
You are leaving home for a trip , phone Psalm 121
You are praying for yourself, phone Psalm 87
You require courage for a task, phone Joshua 1
Inflation's and investments are hogging your thoughts, phone M ark 10:17-31
You are depressive, phone Psalm 27
Your bank account is empty, phone Psalm 37
You lose faith in mankind, phone 1 Corinthians 13
It looks like people are unfriendly, phone John 15
You are losing hope, phone Psalm 126
You feel the world is small comp ared to you, phone Psalm 19
You want to carry fruit, phone John 15
Paul's secret for happiness, phone Colossians 3:12-17
With big opportunity/ discovery, phone Isaiah 55
To get along with other people, phone Romans 12
ALTERNATE NUMBERS
For dealing with fear, call Psalm 47
For security, call Psalm 121:3
For assurance, call Mark 8:35
For reassurance, call Psalm 145:18
You have sinned, phone Psalm 51
You are facing danger, phone Psalm 91
People have failed you, phone Psalm 27
It feels as though God is far from you, phone Psalm 139
Your faith needs stimulation, phone Hebrews 11
You are alone and scared, phone Psalm 23
You are worried, phone Matthew 8:19-34
You are hurt and critical, phone 1 Corinthians 13
You wonder about Christianity, phone 2 Corinthians 5:15-18
You feel like an outcast, phone Romans 8:31-39
You are seeking peace, phone Matthew 11:25-30
It feels as if the world is b igger than God, phone Psalm 90
You need Christ like insurance, phone Romans 8:1-30
You are leaving home for a trip , phone Psalm 121
You are praying for yourself, phone Psalm 87
You require courage for a task, phone Joshua 1
Inflation's and investments are hogging your thoughts, phone M ark 10:17-31
You are depressive, phone Psalm 27
Your bank account is empty, phone Psalm 37
You lose faith in mankind, phone 1 Corinthians 13
It looks like people are unfriendly, phone John 15
You are losing hope, phone Psalm 126
You feel the world is small comp ared to you, phone Psalm 19
You want to carry fruit, phone John 15
Paul's secret for happiness, phone Colossians 3:12-17
With big opportunity/ discovery, phone Isaiah 55
To get along with other people, phone Romans 12
ALTERNATE NUMBERS
For dealing with fear, call Psalm 47
For security, call Psalm 121:3
For assurance, call Mark 8:35
For reassurance, call Psalm 145:18
Bible Links
Someone thoughtfully put all these links into one page. Kinda cool.
New International Version (NIV)
| Books | Chapters |
| Genesis | |
| Exodus | |
| Leviticus | |
| Numbers | |
| Deuteronomy | |
| Joshua | |
| Judges | |
| Ruth | |
| 1 Samuel | |
| 2 Samuel | |
| 1 Kings | |
| 2 Kings | |
| 1 Chronicles | |
| 2 Chronicles | |
| Ezra | |
| Nehemiah | |
| Esther | |
| Job | |
| Psalm | 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40 41 42 43 44 45 46 47 48 49 50 51 52 53 54 55 56 57 58 59 60 61 62 63 64 65 66 67 68 |
| Proverbs | |
| Ecclesiastes | |
| Song of Solomon | |
| Isaiah | |
| Jeremiah | |
| Lamentations | |
| Ezekiel | |
| Daniel | |
| Hosea | |
| Joel | |
| Amos | |
| Obadiah | |
| Jonah | |
| Micah | |
| Nahum | |
| Habakkuk | |
| Zephaniah | |
| Haggai | |
| Zechariah | |
| Malachi | |